To be honest, I love dumplings. And I sincerely believe that they should be on the menu of any restaurant, cafe or snack bar, because dumplings (well, or their varieties) are present in the cuisine of all nations, this is a universal dish, which is also difficult to spoil - with quality ingredients, dumplings always turn out delicious. You can overeat them with any sauces and seasonings, they can be fried until golden brown or served with a fragrant broth ... And therefore, as soon as I read on the Internet that in the center of St. residual, you don’t need salad for them, as well as for khinkali and manti”, immediately began to respect the restaurateur and hurried to the city on the Neva, anticipating the enjoyment of exquisite taste.

But ... The first disappointment befell me as soon as I crossed the threshold of the establishment. Alas, this is not a restaurant. And not only because, according to dictionaries, a restaurant is called an institution with a wide range of dishes, which necessarily include custom-made and branded ones, which are prepared upon the visitor’s arrival (and not warmed up), but it is extremely problematic to invent something author’s and branded from dumplings (well, except to make a sculpture on a plate from boiled dumplings), and you don’t need special skill in cooking them: throw semi-finished products into boiling water and wait until float away. "Dumplings" is not a restaurant in appearance alone. The restaurant, as we are used to, should be beautiful, pretentious, where you can have a good time, lounging in a comfortable chair at a massive table covered with silk tablecloths. There is nothing of the kind here. The first desire that comes from visiting Pelmenia is to turn around and leave, because everything here is designed to ensure that visitors linger as little as possible. As in any fast food outlet, here the expectation is that the visitor will come in, quickly throw a portion or two of dumplings into his stomach and go on, freeing the table for the next one in the stream. The tables and chairs are extremely uncomfortable. They are wooden, which makes it simply uncomfortable to sit (and this is not so bad), they also have such a height that it is extremely problematic for a person of even average height to climb them. Why this was done is a mystery. It is possible that there was a semblance of dumplings from Soviet times, when there were no chairs at all at high tables, they went in to drink beer and eat dumplings with vinegar, while eating while standing. But if so, it was necessary to fully preserve the atmosphere of Soviet times, getting rid of chairs altogether. It would be something unusual, a kind of "chip". But it turned out strange: tables hanging under the ceiling, chairs a la "I'm sitting at the bar", and at the same time everything is uncomfortable. Personally (while I was at the establishment) I witnessed the scene when two ladies of very advanced years (a kind of elegant old women in hats, with bright red handbags and umbrellas with long handles) came in, figured out how much effort it would cost them to climb a table and, sighing heavily, turned around and went to look for a restaurant where they would not be required to perform acrobatic stunts.

Not only are the tables and chairs uncomfortable. They stand so close to each other that everyone sitting (and not necessarily obese) will feel the back of the visitor at the next table. At the same time, the audibility is such that those who speak even in a whisper can be sure that everyone hears their conversation. Visitors can perfectly hear the screams in the kitchen (something like: “Will someone pick up? Everything is ready” and “Damn, where is the rag, how much can I say?”). We must pay tribute to the employees of the establishment - they try to drown out the human rumble by turning on a good selection of music (jazz, lounge), but this does not always help.

Do you remember the last time you were in a good restaurant? You entered and found yourself in the hallway, in the foyer or in the hall, where there is certainly a mirror so that you put yourself in order, a wardrobe where you can leave your outerwear ... In this, so to speak, "restaurant", the hallway is the whole restaurant. Imagine a small, very small room (in my apartment, in a typical high-rise building, there is one corridor, by God, there will be more in terms of footage), where it is cramped, uncomfortable and only four tables - that's the whole restaurant. And in this micro-room they still managed to place a bar counter (well, or its likeness). To the left of the entrance, however, there is a small branch a la a room in a communal apartment: narrow, long and cramped, for another 10 people - a "smoker's compartment" (there is smoky so that because of the smoke you can not see the faces of eaters, very bad). And that's it. Add to all this bad design decisions: the already poorly lit, gray-black room was made in dark colors, laying out the walls with bricks. The result was a basement, where, in addition to other inconveniences, darkness presses on visitors (in fact, from being there, the eyes begin to hurt), I want to quickly escape to the Nevsky Prospect, normally lit by evening lights.

However, let's not pay attention to my nit-picking and taste the cuisine, because restaurateurs can forgive everything for masterfully prepared dishes, and even the most seedy catering point can be turned into the most visited one, the fame of which will be passed from mouth to mouth.
I order for a sample: dumplings with chicken broth (140 rubles), manti with beef and lamb (250 rubles), khinkali (150 rubles), dumplings with cottage cheese (120 rubles). I'm interested in how long it takes to wait for the order to be completed - they answer, half an hour. Well, great, there is time to take a closer look at the menu and get acquainted with the prices. They are as follows: classic Russian hand-made dumplings - 120 rubles for a dozen, Ukrainian dumplings - 150 for a dozen, manti - 150 rubles for 3 pieces or 250 for 5, Georgian khinkali - also 150 for 3, Italian ravioli (depending on the filling - meat, fish, cheese, vegetables) - from 220 rubles for 5 pieces, Japanese g edza (with pork, shrimp or apples) - from 100 rubles for 5 pieces. The wine list causes nothing but disappointment: tea, coffee, juices and homemade fruit drinks. Juices at 170-200 rubles per 200 ml (and not freshly squeezed, but packaged, from the supermarket) alerted, tea in a teapot for 120 rubles is brewed from bags (the waitress explained that two bags are put in a glass teapot and poured with boiling water) disappointed (although how else - a "restaurant"!), Lemonade of an unknown brand, the label of which scared the presence of all kinds of "e- shek", flavor enhancers and dyes for 80 rubles, I first ordered, but did not dare to try (they would at least pour it into a glass right away, otherwise they put a bottle with a killer label on the table ...). There is one type of beer on the menu ("Carlsberg" - 180 rubles for 0.5 l), but it is on the menu, it is not available, they say they promised to bring it - but they did not deliver it. “But what about vodka?” I ask the waitress. “After all, dumplings are a traditional snack for what? Right, for vodka! You even have funny pictures painted on the wall about vodka and dumplings!” The girl makes a guilty gesture: “We don’t have any alcohol at all, we didn’t get a license ...”

Here are those things! Ate, is called, dumplings! How so? Although this may be a strategic plan for restaurateurs. In the same Soviet times, dumplings were occupied by elderly, stern men who wanted to drink, who, like flies, stuck around the counter tables and broke away from them either when the money ran out or when their wives pulled them by the collar. Perhaps, in order not to repeat such a fate, restaurateurs liquidated all alcohol in the hope of gourmets who will drink dumplings with green tea from bags. But this is a miscalculation, clearly! Restriction on alcohol (especially in such an institution!) Immediately cuts off a good half of potential visitors. For what? Moreover, modern drunkards are not the same as before. The name "restaurant" alone will scare them away, they would rather go to eat dumplings somewhere in the station cafe for 50 rubles per serving, and it doesn't matter to them whether they are made from high-grade meat or from soybeans.

When the waiter brought the order (in fairness, I note - even less than half an hour, so I put a plus for efficiency), it turned out that it was simply impossible to put all the plates on the table - they did not fit! Another minus for the furniture (well, or again, the calculation is that an ordinary visitor will not order more than one plate here). With grief in half, everything was placed. The question why all four hot dishes were served to me at the same time (at least it was possible to wait with dumplings) remained unanswered. When asked what sauces go with dumplings, the waiter was not at a loss: "None! For an additional fee! Mayonnaise, ketchup, garlic sauce - 50 rubles, sour cream - 30." “Okay,” I say, “bring two sour cream.”
Of course, he didn’t say anything to the girl - she doesn’t set prices and service rules, but, good gentlemen, let me remind you that in the Soviet times I already mentioned, sauces for dumplings were free! What is there in the glorious Soviet past? Dumplings in Moscow (not calling themselves restaurants, but ordinary dumplings, feeding people without pathos at reasonable prices) on the tables have free access to choose from sour cream with mayonnaise, and ketchup with mustard, and vinegar with soy sauce. And here everything is for a fee! And what! Of course, I don’t mind paying 50 rubles for a tablespoon of mayonnaise, but given that a portion of dumplings costs three times more (150), the question begs itself: what are such cheap dumplings made of or, on the contrary, where does such expensive sour cream come from - from cows that give milk enriched with gold? Incredible numbers!
I'm about to start tasting and... I don't find any cutlery. I call the waitress, I swear, she apologizes, brings a spoon and fork wrapped in a napkin. "Is that all? - I'm interested. - Actually, I have four dishes, I expect to get at least four devices." "Wait a second," the girl replies. "They're gone, they're not ready!"

Fantastic answer! For a restaurant (I specifically repeat this again: the institution is positioned not as a simple dumpling, but as a restaurant). A restaurant without forks and spoons! Soon, however, it turns out that they are, but they were only washed and did not have time to wipe and wrap in paper napkins. Some time later, the missing appliances were nevertheless brought, but on themselves they had traces of hastily wrapping: stains from the wet fingers of the kitchen workers clearly appeared on the napkins.

Finally, I started the first course, but then - another disappointment. The chicken broth in which the dumplings were floating turned out to be cold. Rather, a little warm, as if it was warmed up in the first place, but it was not served to the table right away - they were waiting for the rest to be ready. I did not scandalize - I only made a remark to the waitress, she offered to warm up the food, but I refused. As for the taste of the broth, there was a strong feeling that it was made from chicken cubes, because not a single drop of fat floated on the surface of the dish, while the broth had a synthetic yellow color. As for the dumplings themselves, they were edible, but not perfect. Far from ideal. They are far from home-made dumplings, but what about home-made ... In the network of beer bars "Pivoram", scattered around St. Petersburg, dumplings are prepared (with and without broth), which are many times, one level tastier. Yes, a little more expensive, but what's the point of comparing prices if we are discussing the kitchen? In a beer bar, dumplings are a dish "one of ...", and there it is a solid "five", and here it is the main dish, a signature dish, after which the institution is named, but a fair assessment of it is only a "three".

The khinkali were hardly warm either. But if only that were the problem... Khinkali is made from fatty lamb. To beat off the smell of lamb fat when cooking, a lot of spices are put in the minced meat (depending on the taste of the cook, this can be dill and parsley, tarragon and cilantro, etc., etc.). Greens, as well as any kind of seasoning, I did not feel at all! But there were so many onions in the minced meat that at first glance it might seem that the minced meat was made not from a month, but from an onion! Moreover, it was cut rather large, it was poorly steamed and caused nothing but bewilderment. I have eaten khinkali more than once in oriental restaurants, I have tried home-made khinkali made at home in the Caucasus and comparing them with what was served in Pelmenia is like comparing the first model VAZ and BMW X5. Incomparably!

I won’t particularly criticize manti, because they are more or less tasty. There is no admiration and praise, but I will not criticize either. Minced meat of normal density, not a lot of fat, not too thick dough - everything is fine. But with dumplings - trouble. Imagine a plate on which 5 dumplings turned into one big something: they stuck together, representing a shapeless dough product, which, when trying to separate it, fell apart, and the filling (for some reason, very dry cottage cheese) simply spilled onto the plate. As a result, none of the dumplings separated completely, which is not the norm. Why this happened and at what stage the production of the dish was disrupted - I don’t know. Maybe the cook just felt sorry for the butter?

The result of the dinner: 800 rubles for 4 small portions of dumplings, 2 portions of sour cream and a glass of chemical lemonade not drunk. On the one hand, the price is ridiculous, considering that four hot dishes were ordered. But on the other hand, the dishes are very small, it is simply unrealistic for a healthy adult man to eat 2-3 servings (and I, since the man is large, I didn’t even eat four!). The quality is very, very poor. For a mono-cuisine restaurant (that is, tailored for the preparation of one particular dish, on which all the strength and skill of all the kitchen staff are thrown) this is unforgivable! Dumplings here should be the best in the city, which will be famous throughout the country, where foreign tourists will strive to get, but not "ordinary", which everyone can cook at home in the kitchen as well, or even tastier. In general, the second time you will not go here, in my opinion. This institution, alas, is typical for St. Petersburg: the calculation is made on the constant flow of tourists who, having decided to nostalgic, look into the dumplings, take a portion or two for a sample. Don't like something? Well, God bless them - tomorrow there will be a new day, new tourist buses and a new stream of city guests who have descended on the Fontanka. It does not wait for regular visitors, does not rely on those living in the neighborhood or working nearby, this is a one-time establishment. As a well-known rubber product. Used once and forgot.

And the finishing touches. Minor, but characterizing the level of the institution. Bank cards are not accepted here. The official website of the dumplings is a rarely updated page on the social network Facebook. There are no opportunities for banquets, parties in the room. When I paid a visit to Pelmenia, not one of the two runaway waitresses greeted me, did not offer to choose a room and a table, the menu was served in silence: it was simply laid in front of me. When leaving the establishment, no one said goodbye. What can I say, "restaurant"...